As you get older, you find yourself gaining a better understanding of what it is you want and don’t want. Thirty years or so ago, I thought my mother-in-law was nuts because not only would she tell her 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥ren exactly what she wanted for gifts and get angry if they tried to surprise her with something else, she would literally buy her own presents in like October, and give them to my generous Irish Rose to wrap and give her at Christmas. That sounded insane to me until I started doing the same thing. For instance, a couple of years ago I got myself a smoker. It was exactly the kind I wanted and was close to half price. It came in a huge box which sat next to my desk for weeks until I opened it at Christmas. The point being, I don’t need to be surprised; I’m happy just getting what I want, in the style I want, for the price I want. Plus it saves my loved ones the time and trouble of trying to come up with something. Everybody wins.

Well obviously Tom Brady and I share this philosophy. And what he wanted for his 46th is a piece of Birmingham City FC. Maybe because he’s inspired by Ryan Reynolds and Rob McIllhenny and the good time they always seem to be having with Wrexham:

Maybe it’s the Ted Lasso effect. It could be just a solid investment opportunity after the pile of his money that was set ablaze by Sam Bankman-Fried and the other members of his weirdo 𝓈ℯ𝓍ual polycule. And I’m not discounting the idea that it gives him an excuse to get away to the UK by himself every so often, now that he’s dating yet another supermodel:

Because now he’ll get to say, “Oh, it’s strictly a business trip. I’d bring you, but I’m just going to be in a bunch of meetings with the digital marketing team. See you Friday.” While writing off the whole thing as a business expense. So brilliant move by him.

Tom Brady and I share many other traits beyond our affinity for buying our own presents. And to borrow his phrase, “Maybe you’re asking, ‘What do you know about English football, Jer?’ Well let’s just say, I’ve got a lot to learn.”

But you know what I’ve got nothing more to learn about? Tom fecking Brady, that’s what. I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say I wrote the book on Brady. Because I did. [Cha-CHING.] What I don’t know about Birmingham City FC could fill The British Library. He used the word “underdog,” which suggests they’re one of those perpetually downtrodden franchises like Wrexham. According to its Wikipedia page, the team is in the Champions League, which I know from Lasso is the second-tier division. And since there’s a subheading there titled “Investment, promotion and decline (1965–1993),” it doesn’t sound like Birmingham City has been crushing it for generations.

Until now. All that is about to change. I can say with 100% certainty that whatever struggles this franchise has suffered through in its 148 year existence are coming to an end. Brady didn’t give this gift to himself, he gave it to the good people of Birmingham City. They might not get the Ricky Bobby reference, but their FC is now partly owned by a big American winning machine who wakes up in the morning and pisses excellence. Who made history every time he set his golden feet upon an American football field:

…  and will do likewise over there.

A man who became the starter of a franchise – in New England, no less – that had struggled through almost ever season of its 40 years of existence, and brought them to glory in his first year. Then kept that success going for 20 more seasons until he went to Tampa, took over a franchise that had the lowest winning percentage ever, and made history repeat itself.

And for what it’s worth, Tom Brady has been arguably better in England than anywhere else. He played two career games in the London Series. And the results speak for themselves:

2009 – Patriots 35, Buccaneers 7. Brady: 22-for-32, 308 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs, 107.3 passer rating

2012 – Patriots 45, Rams 7. Brady: 24-for-38, 304 yards, 4 TDs, 0 INTs, 131.1 passer rating

The UK sas the same effect on Brady as our yellow sun does on a Kryptonian. And there is no reason to think it won’t continue, just because he’s in the owner’s box and not under center.

So congratulations to the fans of Birmingham City FC. You don’t know it yet, but you just had the best Tom Brady’s 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡day of your lives. Enjoy.